by Kim Shah (She/Her), Lead of the Canadian Chapter of ION, the Institute of Neurodiversity.

Brené Brown, researcher on shame, vulnerability, and courage, says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” In order to allow ourselves to grow spiritually, we have to lean into the discomfort of being ourselves even when all we feel is our vulnerability, as it’s also where we’ll find wholeheartedness.

My name is Kim, and I’m from Canada. I’m also neurodivergent, diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia a few years ago. I want to share my story with you, the one that pushes me into that discomfort of sharing and bringing feelings of vulnerability with it. But I am not alone; I know there are many others like me. I hope that in sharing, you will find a connection, knowing that you’re not alone in your struggles. I see you. I hear you. I feel you. We are worthy of love and belonging. We are doing the work together, allowing ourselves to embrace the power of vulnerability and to make a difference so others don’t have to suffer masking… hiding…pretending that everything is “normal”.

I was assessed and diagnosed privately, almost a year after a horrible performance review from an employer where I had only spent a year and a half working when the review was conducted; they cited performance issues, which became the primary driving force in my efforts to seek clarity in my mental health. Yes, I could tell something had changed in my cognitive abilities, but my performance issues for the given year should have been understandable; I tragically lost my mother and mother-in-law nine months apart, along with other personal challenges I experienced. It was a difficult year, but my performance improved the following year when the pandemic hit, as we were required to work from home. And it saved me…for a while.

Unfortunately, I had that subpar performance review hanging over my head from the previous year, which they still wanted to address. Given my circumstances, I needed to speak up about the outdated and ineffective process of the unfair performance review and advocate for my well-being. I sought guidance from the organization’s H.R. consultant, a third party, whom I felt was empathetic to my situation. She agreed with the outdated process and metrics used for performance management and suggested that I respond to the manager about the performance review with a letter sharing my thoughts. So, I wrote the letter, which she reviewed and even commended me for advocating for change and for my mental health.

But little did I know of something called psychological safety. Was I in a safe work environment where I could have openly expressed my feelings without suffering any implications of my direct feedback? I didn’t think so after sending the letter, nor do I believe that the personnel hired as managers at that organization had any training around empathy, compassion, grief and mental health because I received a response from the manager defending the performance review with backing from the department director a month later. Therefore, when I was diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia later that year, I was afraid to disclose my condition as I had multiple conflicting thoughts about doing so.

In Ontario, where I reside, ADHD and Dyslexia are considered disabilities protected under human rights. However, with a newly minted diagnosis and no helpful guidance, I struggled between disclosing the diagnosis to justify workplace accommodation and my image of being labelled with a mental health condition that carries a heavy stigma in the industry in which I work. I also felt that disclosing my diagnosis would have supported their claims against my performance without acknowledging the lack of proper policies, processes, systems, or technology, as I shared in my response letter. It placed full accountability on me and absolved them of any responsibilities. The perception was, it was solely my problem, not theirs.

I did not feel comfortable enough to disclose this new mental health aspect, which I was still trying to understand. One of my ideas was to delay disclosing, to try and figure out how to sell them on the strengths of ADHD and Dyslexia, by having the proper supportive environment to work in rather than the impairments it posed. And to raise awareness about Neurodiversity, which wasn’t as well known or understood back then as it is today. I would seek therapy in the meantime to improve my symptoms by learning how to manage them, then disclose my condition once the pandemic was over, if we were sent back into the office. But it didn’t pan out that way. I did not get that opportunity to disclose and lost my job.

It was a hurtful experience that brought on a lot of unnecessary shame. But I have been working to heal from it and push forward with a new and refreshed version of myself. I found community and acceptance through the darkness and dove deeply into learning about Neurodiversity, its strengths and needs. My learnings helped me understand why I had particular struggles growing up: always running late, difficulty focusing on tasks that I found mundane and boring, and a brain that was always in overdrive. I had trouble falling asleep; I could not shut my mind off. Taking the time to work on my mental health gave me a newfound perspective, learning to be kinder to myself and following a lot of the wisdom of Brené Brown.

Today, the experience motivates me to turn that pain into purpose. With the expertise of my dear friend Dan Shepherdson and guidance from Charlotte Valeur, ION’s Global Chair, we founded the Canadian Chapter of ION, the Institute of Neurodiversity – Canada, to advocate for the support of neurodivergents, to recognize us for our positive attributes and contributions, to create an inclusive, social environment where neurodivergents are embraced and celebrated, to ensure we feel valued, accepted, represented, empowered, and seen, and heard.

We’ve hand-selected members from the community across Canada to join our board, and we are all excited to do this work. Our first policy paper will be posted on the Ontario Securities Commission’s website in the coming days. It will address Neurodiversity as a Diversity consideration in leadership positions of corporations in Canada’s capital markets. This work can positively impact our community by advocating and engaging with those in positions of power to create change. We have just begun, and there is much work ahead.