There was once a child called Kai who liked being alone more than being among people. Some people found this unusual and worried about Kai.
“Don’t you want to go and play with the others?” they would ask.
Sometimes Kai did want to play with others, so Kai would go to find someone to play with. There would be children everywhere, talking and laughing and running from one thing to another. Kai would stand among them and try to join in.
When Kai was alone, Kai didn’t feel lonely but when surrounded by people a terrible feeling of loneliness grew rapidly. It made no sense, surely being alone was when you were supposed to feel lonely?
Kai tried to understand. The other children weren’t unkind, they simply seemed interested in different things. They could talk for a very long time about things that didn’t interest Kai at all.
Kai would listen, smile, try to think of the right comment or question. Sometimes Kai would introduce something exciting instead. A piece of music or a strange sound or a rhythm discovered by tapping two pencils against the kitchen table.
“Listen!”
Tap-tap-tap.
Tap.
Tap-tap.
Kai could hear something in it, like the beginning of or maybe even a whole song. The others listened for a moment, then someone changed the subject.
Kai sensed a lot of the world through listening to all the sounds that floated freely around everywhere. Sometimes it was very distant sounds that seemed to take more space than the closer sounds such as the teacher’s voice. Over time Kai learned that you could be standing in the middle of a group of people and still feel as though you were on an island.
Years passed.
The children began talking about what they wanted to become. Some wanted to work with numbers or wanted to build things, other wanted to become doctors, lawyers, accountants or teachers. Kai listened, none of those things sounded wrong, they just didn’t sound like Kai.
“What are you going to do?” people asked.
Kai wasn’t completely sure but Kai knew one thing that was more interesting than anything else, music. Music had always made sense, it didn’t need an explanation before it became part of you. A drumbeat could say something without words and a melody could make sadness beautiful. Bass lines could travel through your whole body in an intense vibration and sometimes a song seemed to understand something about you before you understood it yourself.
So Kai chose to study music and something unexpected started to happen. There were other people around who could spend an entire afternoon talking about one sound.
Someone might say,
“Listen to what happens at two minutes and seventeen seconds.”
And everyone listened and discussed deeply what happened in the piece of music. Someone else would play four notes and say,
“Something isn’t right.”
Instead of laughing, another person would answer,
“I know. Try moving the third one.”
Kai discovered people who heard details other people seemed not to notice. Many of the musicians like Kai became completely absorbed in creating something with music.
People who forgot the time and who didn’t think it strange to listen to the same eight seconds of music twenty-seven times.
Kai began working in the music world. There were studios and stages, musicians and producers, sound engineers, singers and composers. Not everyone was like Kai of course but for the first time, there seemed to be more people who understood the things Kai cared about.
Friendships grew slowly from those common interests.
Kai still liked being alone, in fact, Kai needed it. There were days when closing the door and having nobody else in the room felt wonderful. But there were also evenings when Kai sat with friends talking about music, life, ideas and all the strange things they noticed about the world, and those evenings felt different.
Kai didn’t have to search constantly for something to say or have to pretend to be interested. There was no need to translate every thought before speaking and still wonder,
Am I doing this right?
Years went by before Kai understood what had changed. One evening, after spending hours with a few friends, Kai walked home alone. The streets were quiet and Kai thought about childhood and playgrounds full of children and parties. About the times of standing inside groups and somehow feeling outside them.
Then Kai thought about the people from that evening and suddenly it became clear. Kai had never really wanted to be alone all the time. Kai had wanted to be somewhere where being with people felt as comfortable as being alone. That was very different to being alone.
Perhaps loneliness wasn’t always about having nobody around you. Sometimes loneliness was being surrounded by people and feeling that nobody quite spoke your language. And perhaps belonging wasn’t about finding the largest possible group of people who would let you join them. Perhaps it was finding the people around whom you could become more yourself, not less.
Kai smiled as he walked, it had taken a long time to find them and an even longer time to understand what had been found.
Kai still loved walking alone, loved shutting the door and the quiet but now Kai also knew something important. There were people in the world whose company didn’t make the world feel more crowded, they made it feel more like home. And sometimes, finding where you belong begins with following the thing you love.
KC Valeur Tales
Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. The people you belong with are often the people around whom you don’t have to work so hard at being yourself.