Let’s Talk About Small Talk

“We have a meeting. It starts at 09:00. Why are we talking about the weather at 09:07?”

If you’ve ever sat there thinking this, you’re not alone.

For some people, small talk feels like friction, unnecessary, inefficient, even slightly dishonest. For others, it’s essential. Not optional. Not fluff. Necessary.

The problem isn’t that one side is right and the other is wrong. The problem is that most people don’t realise they are working from different operating systems.

Two Different Operating Systems

1. The “Get to the Point” Mind

Some people are wired for clarity, purpose, and directness.

• Conversation = exchange of meaningful information
• Meetings = decisions, progress, outcomes
• Small talk = noise before signal

To this mind, starting a meeting with 10 minutes of small talk feels like:

• Wasting time
• Avoiding the real topic
• Performing social rituals with no clear function

It can even feel slightly uncomfortable or fake.

So the internal reaction is:
 “Why are we not just starting?”

2. The “Warm-Up First” Mind

Other people are wired very differently.

For them:

• Conversation = relationship first, content second
• Meetings = human interaction, not just tasks
• Small talk = connection

Small talk is doing several things at once:

• Checking emotional tone (“Is this person open, stressed, defensive?”)
• Establishing safety (“Is this a friendly space?”)
• Building trust (“Are we connected enough to have a real conversation?”)

Without that, jumping straight into business can feel abrupt, cold, or even threatening.

So their internal reaction is:
 “Why are you rushing? We haven’t connected yet.”

What Small Talk Actually Does

Once I saw it properly, I realised that small talk isn’t random.

It’s a social positioning tool to indirectly (which I am very bad at) answers questions like:

• Where are you today, mentally and emotionally?
• Are we aligned or not?
• Is this interaction safe, neutral, or tense?

For people who rely on that information, skipping small talk is like starting a meeting without checking whether the microphone works.

Why This Creates Friction

Put these two different ways of operating in the same meeting and you get silent conflict:

• One is thinking: “This is inefficient.”
• The other is thinking: “This feels cold.”

Neither says it out loud. But both feel it and over time, that can turn into misjudging each other (“They’re abrupt” vs “They’re unfocused”) a reduction in trust and subtle disengagement

The Realisation That Changes Everything

Once I realised that smalltalk is not about content, it is much more about readiness, I made a shift because now it made logical sense to me.  I tested it in meetings I was leading and it became very clear.

When I went straight into the agenda on the exact time the meeting was planned for I noticed a distinct level of discomfort for some people at the meeting. When I then at the next meeting allowed 5minutes for smalltalk first, it was an easier beginning for some.

Some people are ready to engage instantly. Others are not. That doesn’t make one better. It just means they have different entry points into interaction.

So What Did I Do With That?

Here’s where it gets practical.

I am someone who dislikes small talk

I don’t have to suddenly love it. But I realised the need to understand its function. I am now thinking of it as a short “startup sequence” for others, not for me but for the room.

What I found works in meetings is to tolerate a short warm-up window (3–5 minutes) and then gently steer:
 “Shall we jump into the agenda?”  I found that this keeps efficiency without cutting people off.

Of course small talk at meetings is different from in a social situation I thought….but I had to rethink that. For us all to better connect we do need a two way understanding of how we all operate.

For those that rely on small talk

Be honest with yourself, sometimes it drifts, right?

What feels like “connection” to you can feel like “delay” to others.

What could work could be to have some small talk. Consciously keep it short and purposeful if you notice some people disengage, and recognise that some people are already ready

The Smarter Way to Handle Small Talk

I now leave small talk to chance, I try to shape it, whether I am in a meeting or a social setting. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I just don’t have the bandwidth for engaging intentionally like that and those times I just go silent. That’s fine too, it’s about honouring who we are in that moment and flow with it.

I often start with setting an expectation. In a meeting, that might be as simple as saying, “We’ll do a quick check-in and then get started.” Socially, it means allowing a light opening without feeling obliged to stay there longer than necessary. Small talk for me should be intentional, not automatic. Its role is to create a moment of connection, not to fill space out of habit.

Of course many people do not do this intentionally, they do small talk automatically, I don’t. When I need to be in a meeting or want to socialise this is how I handle it.

The key is to read the room and adapt. If people are engaging and warming into the interaction, it can be useful to give it a moment. But if the energy is already focused or flat, it is often better to move forward. What matters to me is not the small talk itself, but whether it is helping or hindering the interaction.

Transitions also seem to matter more than people realise. In meetings, a simple “Let’s get started” creates clarity and avoids drift. In social situations, the shift can be softer like“I’ve been meaning to ask you about…” but it serves the same purpose: moving from surface to substance without making it abrupt.

At the heart of this is respecting that people have different entry points into interaction. Some need a short warm-up to feel comfortable and ready. Others are already there and find delays frustrating. The goal is not to force everyone into the same pattern, but to create a flow that works for both.

When done well, small talk becomes what it was always meant to be, a bridge. Not something to get stuck on, and not something to avoid entirely, but something that helps people meet in the middle and move forward.

The Bottom Line

Small talk isn’t pointless.

But it isn’t essential for everyone either.

It’s a bridge, some people need to cross it before they can engage. Others are already on the other side.

The mistake is assuming everyone starts in the same place. Once I saw that, my frustration dropped..

And instead of thinking:
 “Why are we wasting time?”

I started thinking:
 “Ah. This is how some get ready.”

That shift alone changes the room and leaves space for all of us. do so.