(Extract from a yet to be published book “The Box365 – A year of different minds – same sky”) – January 30
“The Four” WhatsApp Group Chat
Sol: I have a question
Asa: That sounds dangerous
Lumi: Most useful questions do
Noor: Go on
Sol: What exactly is a friend?
Silence.
Asa: How can you not know what a friend is?
Noor: I know people use the word. I just don’t know if we all mean the same thing
Lumi: An excellent observation
Sol: For me, a friend is someone I enjoy spending time with. We talk. We meet. We support each other
Asa: That’s not enough
Sol: Why not?
Asa: Because some people I enjoy spending time with are not my friends. They’re acquaintances
Noor: What’s the difference?
Asa: Trust
Lumi: Interesting. So for Sol, friendship starts with enjoyment. For Asa, friendship starts with trust
Noor: Then I have almost no friends
Sol: That’s not true
Noor: It is if trust is the measure
Lumi: What is your measure?
Noor: Safety
Asa: Safety?
Noor: Yes. A friend is someone I can stop performing around
Silence again.
Sol: That is… actually a very different answer
Noor: Most people think friendship means spending time together. I think friendship means not needing to spend energy pretending
Lumi: And there we have three definitions already
What Do Friends Expect?
Sol: Maybe the problem is expectations
Asa: Such as?
Sol: How often should friends talk?
Noor: No idea
Asa: Weekly?
Sol: Monthly?
Noor: Sometimes I don’t speak to people for six months and still consider them friends
Asa: Six months?!
Noor: If I like them today, why would I stop liking them because time passed?
Lumi: Another fascinating difference
Sol: Some people experience friendship as ongoing contact
Noor: I experience friendship as ongoing connection
Asa: Those are not the same thing
Different Types of Friendship
Lumi: Perhaps friendship is not one thing
Sol: What do you mean?
Lumi: Perhaps there are different species of friendship
Asa: Friendship species?
Lumi: Why not?
Noor: Go on. I’m listening
Lumi: For example…
Activity Friends
People you enjoy doing things with
Sports
Gaming
Walking
Work projects
When the activity disappears, the friendship may disappear too
Proximity Friends
School friends
Neighbours
Colleagues
You become friends because life places you together
When you finish school, move house or change work most of those friends may disappear at the same time
Deep Friends
The people who know your history
The people who know what happened before the story started
Crisis Friends
The people who appear when life falls apart
Sometimes they disappear when life improves
Interest Friends
The people who share your obsession
Psychology, Books, Trains, Music, Dogs, Governance.
Sol: Governance?
Lumi: I was trying to include everyone
Safe Friends
The people who allow you to be fully yourself
No masks
No performance
No pretending
Noor: Those are the rare ones
The Friendship Problem
Asa: I think many friendship problems happen because people expect different things
Sol: Such as?
Asa: One person expects daily contact
Another expects monthly contact
Both think friendship is being measured
Noor: One person expects emotional support
Another expects practical support
One sends long messages
Another fixes problems
One says “Tell me how you feel”
The other says “I brought food”
The Neurotype Question
Sol: Do different neurotypes experience friendship differently?
Noor: Absolutely
Asa: Explain
Noor: Some people bond through talking
Others through doing
Others through shared interests
Others through simply existing together
Some need frequent reassurance
Others find frequent reassurance exhausting
Some make many friends
Others make very few but very deep ones
Lumi: Neither is wrong
Merely different
Final Reflection
Sol: So what is a friend?
Asa: Someone who stays?
Noor: Someone who feels safe?
Lumi: Someone who sees you?
Sol: Someone who enjoys being with you?
The chat goes quiet.
Finally, Lumi writes:
Lumi: Perhaps friendship is not a single thing at all
Perhaps friendship is simply the agreement between two people that says: You don’t have to become someone else in order to belong here
Sol: and maybe we should all consider what kind of friendship are we actually offering, and what kind do we need?
AUTHOR
By Professor Charlotte Valeur, Chair & Founder of ION Global
Charlotte is an investment banker, FTSE Chair, published author and professor in governance with a wealth of board experience across many industries and sectors.
A lifelong human rights advocate, Charlotte is driven to play her part in creating an inclusive society, advocating for equality and inclusion for all. To this effect she also founded the global Institute of Neurodiversity ION in 2020.